Vita Miratricis

Why Do Men Keep Putting Me in the Girlfriend-Zone?

Tue, 21 May 2013 12:37:48 -0400

You know how it is, right, ladies? You know a guy for a while. You hang out with him. You do fun things with him—play video games, watch movies, go hiking, go to concerts. You invite him to your parties. You listen to his problems. You do all this because you think he wants to be your friend.

But then, then comes the fateful moment where you find out that all this time, he’s only seen you as a potential girlfriend. And then if you turn him down, he may never speak to you again. This has happened to me time after time: I hit it off with a guy, and, for all that I’ve been burned in the past, I start to think that this one might actually care about me as a person. And then he asks me on a date.

I tell him how much I enjoy his company, how much I value his friendship. I tell him that I really want to be his friend and to continue hanging out with him and talking about our favorite books or exploring new restaurants or making fun of avant-garde theatre productions. But he rejects me. He doesn’t answer my calls or e-mails; if we’d been making plans to do something before this fateful incident, these plans mysteriously fail to materialize. (This is why I never did get around to seeing the Hunger Games movie. Not to name any names, but thanks a lot, Tom.) Later, when I run into him at social events, our conversations are awkward and lukewarm. This is because the moment we met, he put me in the girlfriend-zone, and now he can’t see me as friend material.

I must say that I find this really unfair. I mean, I’m a nice girl. I have a lot to offer as a friend, like not being a douchebag and stuff. But males just don’t want to be friends with nice girls like me. They can’t help it, I guess; it’s just how they’re wired, biologically. Evolution conditioned our male hominid ancestors to seek nice girls as mates and form friendship bonds only with the other dudes that they hunted mammoths with. It’s true—I know this because I studied hominids in my fifth-grade science class.

So what’s the answer? Should I take up mammoth-hunting in an attempt to appeal to the friendship centers of men’s primal lizardbrains? Should I keep making guy “friends” and then prevent them from making a move on me by subtly undermining their self-confidence? Should I just give up on those manipulative, game-playing, two-faced bastards once and for all? I don’t know. I mean, I’d really like to have a true friendship with a guy someday, but it’s so hard to trust and respect them when they never say what they mean—and you never know when you might be relegated to the girlfriend-zone.

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Sun, 19 May 2013 22:49:37 -0400

coffeesandmurders: cosmictuesdays: Well done, show. Well...

Sat, 18 May 2013 17:16:25 -0400

coffeesandmurders:

cosmictuesdays:

Well done, show. Well done.

stunningpicture: ‘Cause people seem to only post the...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:53:43 -0400

stunningpicture:

‘Cause people seem to only post the 20-something Audrey Hepburn

havingafoodfightonthemoon: perspi-looks: sandandglass: Rob...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:51:48 -0400

havingafoodfightonthemoon:

perspi-looks:

sandandglass:

Rob Borbidge, former Premier of Queensland, put his political career on the line in order to take a stand for gun control in Australia.

Meanwhile, American politicians bow under the pressure put on them by the NRA.

“Look, there are Australians alive today because we took that action. I mean, how much is a life worth?”

OH GOD HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION IN THE BOTTOM LEFT GIF

LIKE, WHO ARE YOU, MAGICAL AUSTRALIAN CREATURE?

Watch the three-part series. It’s perfect and hilarious

I think I reblog this every single time it comes up on my...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:42:12 -0400

I think I reblog this every single time it comes up on my dash.

Printing this out and taping it to my bathroom mirror.

cosmicremix: theamericankid: Tumblr needs more of...

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:34:24 -0400

cosmicremix:

theamericankid:

Tumblr needs more of this….whatever this is.

This is artwork by Emmy C. I suggest you give her gallery some love.

Photo

Mon, 13 May 2013 16:19:47 -0400

nevver: The Cocktail Chart of Film & Literature (larger)

Mon, 13 May 2013 15:11:39 -0400

nevver:

The Cocktail Chart of Film & Literature (larger)

midcenturymodernfreak: (Top) 1968 … ‘The Boss’s Couch’ |...

Mon, 13 May 2013 12:59:20 -0400

midcenturymodernfreak:

(Top) 1968 … ‘The Boss’s Couch’ | Artist: Paul Rader

(Bottom) 1957 … ‘Wild Town’ | Artist: Robert Maguire

Via: 1 | 2

mandatoryupgrades: Anyone who thinks Shakespeare is boring apparently missed the greatest stage...

Sun, 12 May 2013 23:20:12 -0400

mandatoryupgrades:

Anyone who thinks Shakespeare is boring apparently missed the greatest stage direction ever written:

I want that to be the final line of my biography.

Shakespeare’s awesome, yo’.

But this is especially interesting, given that Shakespeare’s plays don’t normally include stage directions in their original format. Most stage directions in modern additions were added much later in the 17th and 18th centuries. (that’s also when a lot of modern edits were made and problematic themes were removed. God, even the editorial history of Shakespeare is fascinating. Shakespeare, why are you so cool?)

"Okay, guy, so why do you feel like you want/need/deserve to settle down with a “pure” woman? I’m..."

Sun, 12 May 2013 17:50:00 -0400

“Okay, guy, so why do you feel like you want/need/deserve to settle down with a “pure” woman? I’m genuinely listening. “Oh, it’s because sluts are gross.” Too vague. Do better. “Well, their vaginas are real stretched out and big.” No. “Ummmmm, they probably have a bunch of diseases?” Easy fix! Setting aside the fact that plenty of women contract STIs from monogamous partners or during “safe sex,” it sounds like your real problem here is with illness, not sex. So I assume you’d be fine dating a promiscuous woman who practiced safe sex and happened to be STI-free? “No, because I want a girl who’s traditional and family-oriented.” Having sex doesn’t mean you don’t want to have a family. It just means that you want to have sex. “Yeah, but a slut is more likely to cheat on me.” Really? Then why do couples in the Bible Belt have such a high divorce rate? “The devil, I guess?” NOPE. “I just can’t stand the thought of her getting fucked by all those other guys.” So you’re about to have sex with a woman you’re attracted to, you really want to have sex with her, but all you can think about is her getting pounded by tons and tons of dicks? That sounds like an entirely different issue. “No! I just mean that I struggle with the same powerlessness and insecurity that all human beings do, so as a coping mechanism I take advantage of our culture’s patriarchal power structure and exorcise my feelings of worthlessness by perpetuating shame-based proprietary attitudes over women’s bodies. Basically I’m obsessed with controlling women’s lives because I can’t control my own.” Oh, honey. I know.”

- (via asgardian-feminist)

First of all, this is not a feminist issue. Implying that this only happens with women is a little sexist. I’m a woman here valuing a man’s virginity, and I’m not alone. Real feminism is about equal rights for all.

Here’s why people want to settle down with a virgin partner:

Most of us are jealous beings. This was addressed in the quote. We can’t avoid it. When we find someone we actually love, we don’t like the idea that they may have felt that way, or close to that way, with someone else enough to share that intimate act. It makes your relationship feel more common, even if it’s not. You might stay pure for that same reason, so your future partner doesn’t have to deal with those same jealous feelings you know you’d have. That way, the first time for both of you is extra-special because it’s with each other.

Sex is a special thing, like love is supposed to be. Once society started throwing those things around, they lost their value. Now there are teenagers two weeks in using that L-word and college students having one-night stands with strangers. To some people, sex is an extremely special and wonderful thing, and to other people it’s just for fun. The specialness of sex is then what plays into the importance of virginity.

Some girls don’t want a stretched-out vagina, and most boys want a tight vagina. Even if the tightness doesn’t last (especially after having kids), at least the first time was nice for him, and you care about how nice it was for him because you love him.

Obviously for some people there are religious reasons, and disregarding that is downright disrespectful.

Not everyone who values virginity sees the loss of it as a sort of change-of-person. It can’t decrease a person’s value, but it can decrease desirability for the listed reasons. But not always! I am a virgin; my boyfriend is not. I don’t care. He’s dated girls who weren’t virgins, so he doesn’t care either. I know at least one other couple like this, and they’re engaged. Of course, I’d rather my boyfriend have not seen another woman the way he’ll see me someday in such an intimate setting, but it doesn’t define who he is.

The concept of virginity might mess with the way some people live, but this “feminist” idea that virginity is not important also screws with the way other people choose to live. It’s a two-way street. Usually the word “bigot” is reserved for religious folk, but I’m definitely seeing it here, in this quote. Be respectful.

If you like to have sex, cool. If you like virginity, cool. Stop putting each other down. If one person places a higher value on virginity than the other, then why does it even matter, since they obviously have different morals and won’t be dating anyway?

Extreme opinions like this really bother me. You can live however you want (to an extent; don’t kill people), just don’t try to make everyone else do it, too.

(via learning-to-live-rjkendrick7)

That’s not the point though. You have the right to have sex. You also have the right to not have sex without anyone judging you.

BUT IT’S YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHOICE. That’s what this quote is saying. You can be a feminist and a virgin. This quote is not demanding that everyone go out and have lots and lots of sex (but if you want to and you’re being safe and respectful and getting/giving consent, great.)

About the issue of jealousy: Yes, if I express the desire to have sex with another dude while I’m dating my boyfriend and we have not previously decided that we’re okay with polyamory, that does make me wrong. However, if my boyfriend is obsessed with the fact that I made the choice to have sex with other men (or women) before I met him and that because I made this choice, I am somehow devalued, yes that is wrong. It suggests that he is asserting control over something that I should have full agency over- my body.

Look, no one’s critiquing you for staying a virgin. It’s your own choice, and good job knowing what you want or do not want to do. Respect that other women have the right to make that choice. The idea of purity is largely constructed by men and has been imposed- violently in many cases- by patriarchal societies. Let’s not continue this practice. A person’s purity or value has nothing to do with their sexual proliclivities, ‘k?

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Sat, 11 May 2013 17:01:21 -0400

wonderstrucklife: gaypocalypse: Diane Sawyer: So, have you...

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:56:27 -0400

wonderstrucklife:

gaypocalypse:

Diane Sawyer: So, have you thought, how many women is enough? How many women [on the Supreme Court] would be enough?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nine, nine. [Applause.]
Sawyer: Oh! Oh. [Laughs.]
Ginsburg: Well, there’ve been nine men there for a long long time, right? So why not nine women?
(x)

this makes me so excited

goldshirt-cucumberpants: #this is the beginning of a porno oh...

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:22:48 -0400

goldshirt-cucumberpants:

#this is the beginning of a porno oh my god

"Okay, guy, so why do you feel like you want/need/deserve to settle down with a “pure” woman? I’m..."

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:18:47 -0400

timeywimeyness: “Fantastic!” “Allons-y!”

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:15:28 -0400

timeywimeyness:

“Fantastic!” “Allons-y!”

Photo

Fri, 10 May 2013 18:11:41 -0400

peachesenregalia: I volunteered to make my friend a quick (see:...

Fri, 10 May 2013 07:13:19 -0400

peachesenregalia:

I volunteered to make my friend a quick (see: one-hour) resume!

And I’m really glad with how it turned out!

My good friend Jeff made me an awesome resume. He has freakin’ impressive skills.

Congratulations on your graduation! What are your future plans?

Mon, 06 May 2013 11:32:55 -0400

Thanks, sir!

I’m joining Teach for America and moving to St. Louis. I’ll be teaching high school English and am incredibly excited/scared/nervous. After my two years in TFA, I’ll probably head back to grad school of some stripe, or stay in the education sector somehow.